as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
