I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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