I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
