Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
