Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
