no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
