Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
