you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
