remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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