Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
