I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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