i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
