it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
