I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
