I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
