I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
