Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
