Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
