put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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