just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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