Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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