i was born a porn star she said
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We just shotgunned beers for America
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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