i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
