Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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