apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize