I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
