i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
