He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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