WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
