can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
