Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
