I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
