i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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