just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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