Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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