I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
