I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
