I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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