If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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