There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
