Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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