i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
