So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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