it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize