I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
