One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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