i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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