I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
