oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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