I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
