I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
