I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
