I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize