I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
