He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
where are my eyebrows?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
