Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
