More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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