my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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