My Higher Power is John Stamos
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
