I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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