next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
