It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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