sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
