I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
