dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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