trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
