I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
