i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Every concussion has its silver lining
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize