How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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