your parents love me but you hate me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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