i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
